Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
her facebook's as public as her vagina
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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