sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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