The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
