did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
