Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
