If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
