i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
