Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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