I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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