Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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