the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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