apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
