mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
