they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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