I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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