Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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