I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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