you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
