U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
