Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
