between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
