Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
