Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
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My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
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Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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