I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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