Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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