NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
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I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
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He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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