if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So vagazzling was a success
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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