I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
