Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
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Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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