ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
