My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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