she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
