my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
