I wish my penis had an off switch
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
