I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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