it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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