apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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