My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
