And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
