It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I checked into jail on foursquare
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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