Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
