did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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