If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
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