its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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