I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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