I only kidnapped one of them. chill
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
