Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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