I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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