I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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