I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I understand Curling. That high.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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