The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
