apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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