matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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