I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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