I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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