I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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