Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
