you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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