One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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