God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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