I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you mean i was at the winter classic?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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