is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
